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Tips For When It’s Time To Go: Leaving Your Abusive Marriage

 

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If you are in an abusive relationship, whether that abuse is physical or emotional, then you owe it to yourself to get out as fast as you can. This may seem like an impossible task based on your current situation, for example, if you are financially dependent on your abuser. You owe it to yourself to put together an escape plan and follow through with it while you are still able to. Every day that you spend in an abusive relationship makes it harder to leave because you lose more of yourself and may begin to rationalize the abuse meted out to you. You do not deserve to feel that you have no self-worth and you certainly do not deserve any physical or emotional harm. Leaving an abusive relationship may be as easy as walking away and never looking back. However, it becomes more complicated if you have nowhere to go and even more complicated if you have children. Regardless of your circumstances, you should make the decision to leave and plan for it. Here are a few tips for you to consider.

Get informed about your options

In the event that you are not financially able to leave, there are national as well as private run programs, for example, Domestic Abuse Centers, that have options and personnel that are geared towards assisting victims of abuse and may be able to provide shelter for you and your children. Make contact with these organizations as discreetly as you can so as to not arouse the suspicion of your husband. You can also join a religious group and seek help within that structure to help you to locate somewhere safe that you can go to until you are able to get back on your feet. Gather as much information as you can and look at all your options. Remember that knowledge is power.

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Talk to someone about your situation

Do not be ashamed to talk about what is happening to you as you are the victim and your pain and suffering are not of your own doing. Fear of speaking out about abuse has led to many tragic endings. So you must recognize that this is a part of the abuser’s power and break it. While it may be difficult at first to talk to someone about your personal life, please realize that this is an important part of the process of healing. Talk to a trusted family member, friend or counselor. If the person you speak with is unable to help then seek out someone else until you find the help that you need.

Keep a record of the abuse done to you

It is important to keep a record of any abuse that you suffer and ensure that you go to a hospital if you suffer any physical damage so that this can be recorded and make the proper reports to the police. This is especially important if you have children and may have to face your abuser in the legal system. Having some form of documentation whether it is a journal, pictures or recordings of your abuse will give substantial credence to you and will put you in an advantageous position. Please keep this evidence that you are gathering in a safe place. Where you can do not simply put it on any computer or laptop, as it can be easier for someone who is skilled to get access to this information or you may forget to log out completely, so they gain access to the information you put there and you do not want that to happen.

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Make a plan of action

In the event that things take a turn for the worse while you are preparing to leave and if you have children make them aware of what they should do. You should identify a room in the house that can be made temporarily safe by locking or barring the door, but also have a way for you to leave the house, for example through a window. Once you are out, you may be able to take refuge at a neighbour’s house and alert the authorities.

Please remember that if you think that you are in imminent danger then you have no choice but to get up and run. It is always best to do so if your abuser is not at home. However, if this is not an option, then you must find a way to quietly alert the authorities so that you and your children can safely leave the house. Put some thought into this and you may wish to arrange a code word or signal with a neighbour for emergencies complete with instructions to follow that will make it safer for you to get out.

For more information, you can get a copy of my Amazon bestseller book, Time to Go“, which is full of more detailed tips on how to leave an abusive marriage. If you wish to speak to someone in my team about your situation, schedule a 25mins ‘Empowerment and Clarity Session’ in the Calendar. You will leave feeling renewed, empowered, gain clarity and feel energized to move forward towards a wonderful life. We look forward to being of support to you.

 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MyChoiceMarriage/

Website: http://mychoicemarriage.com/

Email: help@mychoicemarriage.com

 

© Copyright 2017 Norva Semoy Abiona and Real Fulfilment International, All rights reserved 

Norva Semoy Abiona, an accomplished business owner in the relationship and business arena, founded The Warrior QueenThe Wise Wife, and My Choice Marriage programs and communities. She helps to guide, support, mentor, coach and teach other wives and wivepreneurs to embrace the power of simple change in mindset, focus, acceptance practice and actions, which when done leads to them living much more fun, fulfilled and financially profitable lives. For more information and her free gift, visit www.thewarriorqueen.com

Norva’s books include Time To Go: How to safely leave an abusive marriage even if you have no money (an Amazon #1 International bestseller), The Wise Wife Manifesto: The 15 success practices of happy wives and her upcoming book Have It All: The Wifepreneur’s guide to being truly successful. The books are all based on her experience, insights and teachings.

To book Norva to SpeakCoach you or your teamInterview and any other opportunities in line with her mission to support, Wives, Couples and Families or to learn more about any of her products and services please feel free to get in touch today.

5 Warning Signs of Emotional Abuse

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Are you in an abusive relationship? If your answer to this question is “No”, then well done, you have one less stress in your life. Did you know that you can be in an abusive relationship without any physical violence? If that is making you reconsider your first answer, then you owe it to yourself to learn the emotional side of abuse so you can get out before it becomes too late. This type of abuse often goes unnoticed because it plays on the emotion and affects how you feel rather than the pain of the physical. People all over the world are in terrible, abusive relationships and you or someone close to you may be among them.

Here are a few signs to look out for to help you spot emotional abuse.

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  1. Invasion of your privacy and space

If your husband does not trust you and requests that you give up your personal items e.g. mobile phone, for inspection, then you may need to start re-evaluating your relationship. While it may be necessary to check your children’s activity for their own protection, you are an adult and the moment you give someone else the right to police your life, is the moment you have given away a part of your freedom. Some don’t even make requests, they just search your belongings, question your friends and loved ones and sometimes even follow you. If your spouse does not trust you, then the real question is why, especially if you know he has no reason to feel that way.

 

  1. Limiting who you can spend time with

If your husband is telling you who you are allowed to see for any reason whatsoever, then you may be in trouble. It is one thing to suggest that someone in your life is a pariah but a totally different thing to restrict you from seeing that person. You are your own person and should be allowed to make your own decisions. Even if you make a mistake about someone or something, you should be allowed the freedom to do so. Your husband may advise you, but should not use any of your mistakes to continually put you down and erode your self-confidence.

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  1. Embarrassing you in public

While we all have embarrassing moments that can be poked fun at, if your husband is constantly sharing these types of details about you in public, this is a mark of someone who doesn’t mean you well. Your husband should be extolling your virtues as a sign that you are valued to them. People who continually put others down may be suffering from low self-esteem themselves and this may be a way of them dealing with that. This does not mean that you should put up with it as this may lead to you giving away control of your life because you are afraid to be out in public with your husband for fear of what they will say about you. Other forms of public embarrassment may be shouting at you, correcting you in a condescending manner, adverse comparison to others and belittling you in any way.

  1. Tells you no one can love you but them

Making you feel inadequate is a tool of many abusers and saying things like “You are so lucky that I love you because …” is another way to make you doubt yourself and make you rely on their judgment rather than your own. This is another way that an abuser can limit and control your life. It is also used to isolate you from others, giving them even more control. You are worthy of love and there are many others out there who will see your worth but if you do not believe in yourself, it won’t matter how anyone else feel.

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  1. Threats to your safety

Many abusers will make threats to your safety to compel you to do as they wish. There are some who may even try to control you by threatening to hurt themselves or someone you love. Although, many times these threats may not be carried out, however, psychologically you can still feel it hanging over your head. The result is that they are able to control you and make you act according to their will and not your own. There are some people who may say, “He loves me because he said if I ever leave he would harm himself”. This is not loving but a form of control.

So in summary emotional abuse can be so subtle, compared to physical abuse that you may not even realize that’s it’s taking place in your life or within the relationship of someone you know. If you recognize any of the above-mentioned signs please feel free to reach out to me for support and advice or get you copy of my Amazon bestseller ‘Time to Go’, which is packed with sound and practical advice and guidance about abusive relationships, including what you can do if lack of personal finance is a big issue that is keeping you in the toxic marriage.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MyChoiceMarriage/

Website: http://mychoicemarriage.com/

Email: help@mychoicemarriage.com

New Guidelines on Coercive Control

Earlier today I had the opportunity to contribute to a LBC (London Broadcasting Company) live radio discussion about new Police guidelines on Coercive Control, which is a form of Domestic Abuse. For those who don’t know Coercive Control refers to the abuse of a person by violating their Human Rights and liberty. Many times in the past a woman had to prove that she was physically violated but coercive control does away with that myth. The emphasis is on whether an incident is disempowering to a victim; even if it seemed insignificant to anyone else. Sadly a lot of individuals are subjecting their partner to this type of abuse without realising it. You are probably in a coercively controlled relationship if you feel like you have to ask your partner for permissions such as to make decisions, to go to work, to speak to certain people, to go out with friends, to wear certain clothes or makeup or to access joint finances. In addition, if a spouse is monitoring their partner’s calls, emails, Social Media, etc, all of these incidences are forms of coercive control. A number of the methods of Coercive Control are not seen as an offence on their own. The tactics adopted may pass as part of gendered roles in everyday lives and may be barely noticeable but their root lie in sexual inequality and discrimination. The practice is wrong and should not be tolerated or deemed acceptable.

In the UK you can be imprisoned for up to 5 years if you are successfully prosecuted for this offence.

The new College of Policing guidance, which focuses on the dynamics of abusive relationships, is designed to help officers prosecute without relying on victims’ evidence. It gives Police the opportunity to question the alleged victim, other members of the household and neighbours about the current and past incidents during their investigation. The guidance also advises senior officers about the need for specialist staff to deal with cases of abuse and ensure victims receive the best possible support possible.

According to the BBC online News, ‘The College is releasing a “toolkit” for officers who are first at the scene of an incident, as well as checklists for call handlers and counter staff in police stations for when they are contacted about domestic abuse.’

 

For more information on Domestic Abuse and how you can safely leave an abusive spouse purchase a copy of my bestseller book ‘Time To Go! Leaving Emotional Abuse and other forms of Abusive Relationships’, available on Amazon worldwide.