As with many other forms of communication, the social media platform is being misused to bully and abuse people. Digital abuse is similar to verbal abuse, but it can be more damaging and far-reaching than verbal abuse. This type of abuse uses technology to bully, stalk and intimidate. The victims of these crimes come from all walks of life. In this article, the types of digital abuse and how you can identify them will be explored. I will be sharing more from the standpoint of when it happens in a marriage.

Cyber Bully

If your husband tells you who you can or cannot be in contact with on any social media platform, then he is a cyber bully. This is especially true if he restricts you from contacting your family and close friends. If he posts negative comments, sends you insulting or threatening messages or emails, then you are being abused. You may start feeling afraid of what your spouse may say to or about you on social media. This is a means for him to control your actions.

Cyber Stalker

Does your husband use digital tools to keep a track of where you are or what you are doing? Does he insist on knowing your passwords or has he hacked any of your accounts? Does he constantly text or message you so that you are afraid to be away from your phone? Does he insist on looking through your phone to check who you have called or sent messages to? These are the actions of a stalker. You should not feel as if you are being monitored by your spouse. The world is crazy enough as it is without living in the same house with someone stalking you. If he does not trust you, then you both may want to consider seeing a therapist to work out this issue. You should be aware that stalkers may become violent. So be careful in the way you approach him about his problem.

Threats via Cyber

This may be the least known type of cyber abuse but it is very common. The biggest issue with this type of crime is proving that it was a genuine threat, especially if you said it’s from your spouse. The malicious words can be hidden in the form of sarcasm, a joke or tongue-in-cheek jest, etc. It’s easy for a spouse to convince the world that it’s normal household banter. However, if you feel frightened, intimidated or anxious about what could happen based on what was written, said or in any other way shared online then that is a threat. Another big issue is that domestic abuse victims will, on many occasions, prefer to keep it to themselves due to shame or trying to protect your marriage. It then becomes difficult for the authorities to look more closely to determine whether it is illegal or not. Even when a threat has been carried out, wholly or to a certain extent, victims at times will prefer to keep it to themselves.

Cyber Pervert

If your husband pressures you to send him explicit pictures or videos of yourself to him, then he may be a cyber pervert. You should always have a choice of what you want to share because you do not know what he is doing with it. Yes, he is your husband, but you can never be too careful about your privacy. There are many cases of couples breaking up and explicit pictures or videos being sent out on social media. It is very hard to recover from a situation like this. It is best to try to prevent this from happening. Your husband should be sensitive and protective of your body. A phone can be lost or stolen and the information released. If he already has these explicit materials for you, you may want to consider asking that he delete them. Regardless of his intentions for them, you do not want to be in an unnecessarily vulnerable position.

Emotional Cyber Abuser

Does your husband make unkind references about you when he updates his online status on social media? Does he make unkind tags of you in photos? Does he parade your personal life and conflicts on social media for all to see? These are not the actions of someone who loves you and is mature. No, it’s emotional abuse in another form. If this happens once, then you may choose to forgive it. But if it happens again, then this is a pattern of abuse. It is one thing to make a mistake and tell a relative or friend about your marital problems and quite another to make it known to the world. This is what happens when something is posted on social media. Be aware that neither he nor you have any control over anything that is posted online. Even if he makes a post and then removes it, someone could have copied this information and sent it to others. Anything put online is to be considered permanent because you have no control over what is done with it.

If you think that you are a victim of digital abuse, please do not treat it lightly. Respect yourself, the rights to your privacy and be in control of your life. You can find more information about digital abuse in the book, “Time to Go“. Please feel free to comment your thoughts below. You can also feel free to get in touch if you are in need of marital support; be it as an individual or for both you and your spouse together.

The subject of sexual abuse tends to conjure images of overpowering someone physically and violently. However, you should know that this is not always the case. You may be a victim of sexual abuse right now in your marriage but you may believe that this is normal. This may be dependent on how you were raised or what your spouse has done to “train” you. If you think that is not possible, please continue reading, as this article seeks to open your eyes to common abuse patterns you may have overlooked or ignored.

1. Does He Only See You When He Wants Sex?

If your husband does not seek to spend time with you when sex is not in the offering, he may be using sex as a means to control you. This is basically him letting you know that you are just a tool for his sexual needs. He does not value you as a partner. Love in a marriage should be mental, emotional as well as physical. Do not sell yourself short. Your husband should be in love with you as a person, your mind as well as your body. If you think that you must use sex to get your husband’s attention, then you may be an unwitting victim of sexual abuse. If you are unable to fulfill his desires when he demands it, your husband may feel justified to cheat on you. This is not anything you can control. But you should not accept the blame for his actions. You should seek counselling. Be prepared to separate if he cannot see you for the beautiful woman you are and not a mere sex object.

2. Does He Demand That You Do Things In Bed That You Dislike?

There is nothing wrong with consensual sexual experimentation between two people in a marriage. However, you should not feel pressured to do things that you do not like or even pressured to have sex if you don’t want to. It may be the case that you were talked into trying something different and you didn’t like it, but your husband wants it to continue. You should not feel that your relationship with your spouse would change if you do not comply with his requests. This is a deceptive form of sexual abuse that must be stopped before you lose your self-worth. If your husband truly loves you, then he will accept your decision and not attempt to force you in any way. Be true to yourself and your principles. Do not be ashamed to report your husband to the police if he assaults you, it is wrong and you are the victim. Ignoring this fact will only give him more power over you.

3. Are You Afraid Of Reprisals If You Do Not Have Sex?

If you are afraid of what your husband will do if you do not have sex, you may be a victim of sexual abuse. You should not be terrified that your husband will give you the cold shoulder if you are not up to having intercourse with him. Certainly, he may feel disappointed, as this is only normal. But this should not last for a long period. He has to have the capacity to shake this off and be back to loving you and being there for you when you need him. Your husband should not withdraw his support for you, whether it is emotional or financial, simply because of sex. This is manipulation and exploitation from the person who should love you the most. Love does not have to be under his conditions alone. He is not in control of your body or your feelings. You should not be scared of your husband losing his temper or that he will seek sex elsewhere if you are not in the mood. Sex in marriage ought to be a physical expression of your love and trust for each other, not a burden. Do not let your spouse bully you into being his unwilling sex slave. Stand up for yourself. Let your opinions and feelings be counted.

Do not be afraid or ashamed to speak about abuse because you are not the perpetrator of the offense but the victim. Be strong enough to admit that you need to retake your life. Make the necessary steps towards your happiness. Do not let your husband develop a pattern of abuse or manipulation against you. You are valuable, you are beautiful inside and out, you should be love and respected.

If you are affected by this article and would like to speak to someone about it, please feel free to get in touch email me. Do not suffer in silence or feel like you have to cover up for your spouse’s abusive attitude or behavior. You were not born to be a victim and you certainly did not get married to be one.

Getting out of an abusive relationship requires a plan of action, commitment and money to ensure you don’t have to return to your abuser. Money is, of course, the major hurdle here. With this in mind, here are 5 suggestions of ways to get out of an abusive relationship when you have no money.

Disclaimer: I am not a financial advisor so please seek outside advice from an expert before choosing any of the options suggested, especially numbers 3 and 4.

1. Ask Family Members and Close Friends

The people closest to you are the people more invested in your life and well-being. These are the people who are likely to be more empathetic to your plight and will assist if they can afford to. You may even have done kind acts of a similar nature for them in the past and they would like to reciprocate the favour to you. Do not ask for charity. Instead, ask for a loan, which you must be committed to repay and have a reasonable timeline. Do not seek to overextend yourself. Try for a six month or more repayment period. If accepted, this should be seen as an unbreakable contract. You must make every effort to repay this loan. If the person you approach insists on giving you money instead of lending it to you, then express your sincere appreciation. When you are back on your feet, show even more gratitude with a thank you card and a small gift. On the other hand, be aware that the person(s) you ask may not be in a position to assist you. You should not be angry or disheartened. Remember that these are the people you want to continue having a good relationship with. Continue to be congenial and understanding. There is a chance that they will explore an alternative way to assist you that you may not have thought of or known.

2. Contact Shelters or Go On A Victim Program

You may be able to get funding from a local organization that helps victims of abuse. Shelters or organizations may offer housing, food, clothing, money and counseling to aid your escape. You must explore what resources may be available to you. Do not be ashamed to speak about your abuse. This could be a life and debt situation, even if you have not experienced physical abuse in the past. You can use the Internet to find relevant information. However, do so on a medium that your husband does not have access to, for example at a library. There may even be a hotline that you can call that will guide you to a shelter or organization in your area. Sadly domestic abuse is a common problem, however, many countries have committed to confronting, by making resources available to those who need it. Please note that there will be a process that you will have to follow and forms you will have to fill out. Do not let this deter you.

3. Get a Pay Advance

If you are employed, you may consider asking your boss for an early pay cheque or advance on your salary. This may not be a large sum, but it may be enough to cover your immediate expenses. If you explain your reasons for requesting this advance, then your boss may make the necessary arrangements to aid you. If you are able to get an advance on your salary, please negotiate realistic repayment terms.

4. Get a Credit Card

Although not the best option due to the high-interest rate, a credit card is a viable means for your immediate financial needs. If you shop around, you may be able to find a card that offers zero interest over a certain time frame, for example, six months. This will enable you to pay back the amount used without accruing the interest penalty. Do not use any credit card that you currently possess because your husband may have access to it. He may be able to cancel the card or use it to track you. It is best to get a brand new unknown credit card.

5. Sell Valuable Items

This may be the hardest thing for you to do, but material possessions are not worth your life. You will have to be discreet and selective in your choice of what to part with. You do not want to alert your husband to what you are doing. If you have a precious gift from a loved one, which you find it hard to part with, consider that the person who gave it to you would want you to be happy. The person would certainly encourage you to choose your life over any heirloom that you may have. If the item is very precious to you, consider options that may allow you to buy it back when you are able to, such as a pawnshop.

The options discussed here as well as more can be found in the book “Time To Go”. Please be careful as you embark on this journey and arm yourself with the necessary knowledge to be successful. I want to also encourage you to share this information with the people in your life. You do not always know who is in need of it.

Welcome to the second and final part of this series. If you missed the first article, don’t worry because this is not in any particular order. You can always view it after reading this one.  Let’s take a look at some other lessons that you can learn from being a survivor of abuse. This may help you with making the decision to wanting a better life for yourself.

 Staying in Abuse for Financial Benefits Never Results in Your Happiness

Money and possessions are not worth the emotional or physical abuse because you may develop bad coping mechanisms. You may become withdrawn, afraid to express yourself and establish bad spending habits. This may encourage your husband to abuse you. The days of men looking down on women because they are taking care of the household and not earning an income are over. Your value is unquestionable and accepting abuse for monetary reasons may erode your confidence and spirit. In essence, you give up your freedom and become a slave to your husband who will treat you in any manner that he wishes. You should consider getting out of this situation by spreading your wings and seeking your financial freedom. You can accomplish anything that you put your will and effort into. 

It’s Never Wise to Stay With a Well Known Relative or Friend When You Leave a Violent Abuser

This will be the first place that your abuser will come looking for you. This may result in others getting hurt as well. Your husband is not likely thinking rationally or considering that he will not want to cause a scene. You are in a dangerous position with someone who may be mentally unstable. This is not the loving husband you may have known. There is a high chance that your husband will show up at your family’s or friend’s residence. Ensure that you are not there. This will reduce the chances of a violent encounter. When you leave, please go to a shelter or a trusted acquaintance that cannot easily be traced.

People Who Encourage You to Stay in Domestic Abuse are Often Victims or Abusers Themselves

Generally speaking, people will give their opinion based on their own personal experience. This may be the case if someone encourages you to stay in an abusive relationship. You should consider distancing yourself from these people. They may have their own demons to wrestle with so they may not be able to properly advise you. Someone wise and knowledgeable about the potential consequences of abuse will embolden you to find a way out. You should not stay in a situation that may be mentally or physically detrimental to you.

Do Not Return to an Unreformed Abuser

The more you forgive and return to an unreformed abuser is the more severe the abuse may get. An abuser who feels embarrassed or shunned by your behaviour may look for ways to get back at you. If you return to him then you may be saying, “It’s okay to punish me for telling others the truth of how you treat me”. Do not fool yourself. This is the same person. He does not believe that there is anything wrong with how he treats you. If he has not taken any steps to change, then he may continue to hurt you. It is good to forgive, but move on with a life without him after you have done.

You Don’t Need to Have a Large Sum of Money to Leave an Abuser

If you make a plan that covers everything that you will need, then you should be okay. You should get trustworthy support as you try to get back on your feet away from your abuser. Do not make hasty decisions that may put you at risk of another abuser. Be very careful with whom you accept help from. You do not want to be put in a similar position as the one you left.

Unless You Are Physically Imprisoned Then You have the Power to Leave

If you are not physically bound or imprisoned by your abuser, you always have the power to leave your relationship. You just have to say “Enough, I will no longer be a victim” and make up your mind that you want to be free from abuse. You can be happy if you get the support to put your plan in place and the commitment to follow through with it. Only you can decide if you want to have a better life. Do not give others this power over you.

Please note that you can find more detailed information about abuse and how to leave for a better life in my Amazon bestseller book, “Time to Go“. Thank you for reading and please feel free to comment your thoughts and experiences as we continue to empower women to their own independence and happiness.

Many people are living in abusive relationships and getting out of them may require help from others. This is part one of a two-part series, which points to some lessons that you can learn from being a survivor of abuse. This may help you with making the decision to wanting a better life for yourself.

Staying For Your Children Is Not Worth The Abuse

Other than the effects on you, which are reasons enough to leave, your children may feel that abuse is normal behaviour. Children in abusive environments may become abusers or victims of abuse. Your children are people as well with their own thoughts and emotions. They may try to defend you and end up getting hurt. If you really want to help your children, then you cannot continue in this type of marriage. Find a safe way for you and your children to leave and move on with your lives.

Verbal Disrespect, Devaluing And Manipulation Is Abuse

 While physical abuse is more publicized and can be easily recognized, emotional abuse is the most common type of abuse. You should not be disrespected, manipulated or looked down on by the person who should love you the most. Love, Honour and Respect are what you are due. If you are not getting that, then you may need to find a way out of the relationship.

Sexual Intercourse In A Marriage Without Your Consent Is Rape

Despite the antiquated view of a wife being subordinate to her husband, you have the right to decide if you will have intercourse with your spouse. You have the right to say “No”, even if you had originally said yes. Any man, who forces himself on a woman, even if that woman is his wife, is a rapist and can be convicted of such. Whatever the circumstances may be, even if you were asleep or inebriated, rape is rape. It is an act of violence and abuse. Do not make excuses for a rapist.

Don’t Just Tell Family Or Religious/Community Leader About Your Abuse

If you do this, the person may, without your consent, speak to your abuser. This may lead to you being abused further and to a greater extent. You also do not know if this person may harm or be harmed by your husband in a confrontation. This is not advice for you to accept your treatment or to continue in silence. Rather it is suggested that you talk with someone who has experience with domestic abuse. This can be a relationship counselor or someone qualified at a shelter.

Being Hit Or Disrespected More Than Once Is A Pattern Of Abuse

If your husband disrespects or hits you once, this may not mean that he is an abuser. You may choose to forgive him if he truly understands and regrets the harm he caused. Whether or not you speak out about the abuse the first time it happens, if it takes place a second time, your husband is a repeat domestic abuser. Repeat offenders of crimes are not easily changed. So your husband may not stop without getting help for his problems. It is important to “nip something in the bud” as the expression goes. So you may need to take steps to prevent being abused a third time.

Admitting You Are A Victim Is Your First Step To Freedom

Do not make excuses for your abuser’s actions. Do not choose to ignore the negative effects this has on you. You may be empowering them to abuse you further. Regardless of what your abuser might say to you, you do not deserve to be abused. You are not the cause of the abuse. Your thoughts and feelings are not worth less than your spouse’s. Do not unconsciously say so by ignoring or excusing his abuse. Some abusers will insist that you or something you do is the reason for their actions. Do not take on their sins. They may not change and you will only have scars, mentally or physically.

Domestic abuse is not a pleasant topic. It is something that needs to be removed from our society. If you are being abused, please do something about it. For more information, you can get a copy of my Amazon bestseller book, “Time to Go“. Do you prefer to learn via a course? If yes check out “Time To Go The Course” on Udemy.

In the journey of life, you will encounter challenges with the people you interact with, whether it is in your family, professional life or your leisure time. Depending on your experiences, character and upbringing, you may have developed certain habits or behavior traits, for example being shy or withdrawn, that may not serve you well. While change is a process and does not necessarily happen overnight, please try to commit to making at least one change on the list below if it applies to you.

1. Stop — Being a People Pleaser

While making others happy is a noble thing to aspire to, being a people pleaser is a sign that you may have issues with your own self-worth. This trait may have developed due to a need to be accepted, quite possibly by people who were not worth your time in the first place. It is also possible that you may have been abused and you decided that the best way to stop or limit the abuse was to do whatever it was that your abuser wished. You should aspire to your own happiness first. If someone asks you to do something that you think is out of line or unreasonable, then you should say “No” or ” no way” … whichever best fits the scenario. The exemption is, of course, tasks you must complete at your job. Please be careful when and with whom you use a term like “Hells no” … unless you are about to resign for a better job.

2. Stop — Being Afraid of Change

This world is ever-changing and you have to change with it. Organisms that are not able to adapt to change may be doomed to extinction. This applies to humans on a singular level as well. It is normal to be reluctant and hesitant to changes in your life. But to truly enjoy life and live to your fullest, you have to bend or you will break. If you think that you are in an abusive relationship, please do not be afraid to make changes to better your situation.

3. Stop — Answering “Yes”

Again, this does not apply to your tasks at work where you should be saying “Yes. I can get that done”. It applies to people who are trying to use you or make a habit of putting you down. Only say “Yes” to things that you like doing or things that will help you to grow and develop as a person.

4. Stop — Not Accepting Compliments

Being modest has its charm and its place, but there are certain compliments that you should embrace and own. You know how much work you put into a project or how difficult a task was. So take the compliments when they are given. You deserve it and more. So stop denying your worth and enjoy it, without acting cocky about it.

5. Stop — Letting Others Take All the Praise

Standing back and allowing others to get the acclaim for your hard work may be a sign of self-worth issues and may cost you that promotion. It is right to share the spotlight with others who have contributed to the success of a venture, but you should always ensure that you get the credit for the hard work you have done. Stand up for yourself and be counted so you won’t have any regrets.

6. Stop — Begging For the Old-Time Days to Return

The past cannot be altered and is unlikely to ever return so you must move on with your life, looking for the opportunities that exist now. You can always reminisce about the past and fond memories. However, you should always be looking to create more and even better ones. This is especially important in a marriage where your husband has changed for the worst and has become abusive. Wishing for him to be who he used to be or to behave as he did in the past will not help you in your current position. Forget the past and move on with your life with a firm resolution on making a better future for yourself.

7. Stop — Giving Up Easily

It is said that “Nothing worth having comes easy”. This should be your mantra when you have a difficult task to do or decision to make such as deciding to leave an abusive marriage. Make a commitment to improve your life and do not give up, whatever comes your way. Put setbacks and negative people aside and reach for your goals. You will only fail if you give up too easily so don’t ever do that.

You may have your highs and lows in life. If you are willing to stopping doing at least one of the things discussed, then you may live a happier more fulfilling life with the ones deserving of your love. Sometimes doing these things may lead you to find yourself in an abusive marriage because these types of traits may attract persons who feel that they can take advantage of you. For more information, you can get a copy of my Amazon bestseller book, “Time to Go“, which is full of more detailed tips on how to leave an abusive marriage.