Category Archives: Blog

The My Choice Marriage Blog is about supporting women who are living in an abusive relationship with tips and strategies on how to safely leave. We aim to help frustrated and dispirited wives to discover if they are in a healthy or unhealthy relationship then they can take the necessary steps to freedom.

7 Things To Have On Your Checklist When Planning To Leave An Abusive Relationship

7 Things To Have On Your Checklist When Planning To Leave An Abusive Relationship

The decision to leave an abusive relationship is the beginning of the journey to freedom. To make a successful break, it is important to make a plan and to be very careful. If the abuser becomes suspicious, it may be difficult to leave safely. The danger is very real and it is vital to keep calm and make the right choices depending on the situation. If you are able to get professional help from an abuse counselor, then please do so. If your situation is volatile, then you may not get the time to make a proper plan and you will just have to grab some things and run. Your safety and the safety of your children is paramount so act accordingly. If you do have the time to get everything together and make an orderly exit, please consider the suggested checklist.

1. Gather as much information…

…on what your options are and of organizations that can assist you. If you are using the computer at home, you will have to be careful not to leave any evidence behind. There are resources online that have information on how to remove traces of your activity. You can search for “Remove traces of Internet activity” and follow the guidelines. You should also make a note of local emergency numbers, for example the police, nearby doctors and shelters. If you call a number for help, then erase the number from your call log or dial a different number from a landline to prevent a redial.

7 Things To Have On Your Checklist When Planning To Leave An Abusive Relationship

2. Determine at least two safe places…

…that you can go to when you leave. Ideally this will not be somewhere that your husband has been to before, for example your parent’s house. You do not want to have the drama of a confrontation shortly after leaving. The reason for having at least two places to go to is to have a backup in the event that you have to leave your first option. This is more likely than you would believe as you do not know what situation you are going into. If you have children, then you will need to determine if they can keep your secret. If they are too young or they look up to their father, then they may accidentally or intentionally make the abuser aware of your plans. If they can be trusted, then you will need to give them the contact details of the safe places. Teach them what they can do to stay safe and not to try to protect you as they can also get hurt.

3. Keep a record of all abusive incidents…

…that you or your children experience. This can be a journal and pictures of injuries and reports from doctors or hospitals. Having proof of your abuse is important in building your case for the courts. It will also be helpful in obtaining a restraining order against your husband.

7 Things To Have On Your Checklist When Planning To Leave An Abusive Relationship

4. Gather your important documents…

…for example your medical records, identification papers, registration papers, bank documents and insurance information. If you are able to make a copy of these papers without your husband’s knowledge, then you can do that and put them in a safe place. This would be in the event of your husband taking control of the originals. If you have children, then ensure you have their papers as well.

5. Put together an emergency set of clothing…

…that you can just grab and go. You can put this in one of your drawers so that you do not arouse the suspicion of your husband. It is good to also put aside some money in a safe place and make a copy of your car key if you have one. You may also give your friend or family member a packed bag with essentials. This would include clothes, money, medication, information and a cell phone that your husband is unaware of. Instruct them to periodically check that the cell phone is charged and functional.

7 Things To Have On Your Checklist When Planning To Leave An Abusive Relationship

6. Practice your escape plan…

…so that you can work out any potential problems that may arise. While doing this, you should turn off your electronics or better yet do not take any with you. Drill your children in what they should do and plan for worst case scenarios. Keep the plans for your children simple so as to minimize possible mistakes.

7. Seek the most appropriate time to leave…

…which should be when your husband is busy outside the home. This can be while he is at work or on a trip; just ensure that you will have sufficient time to get away. After you have left, do not return and do not contact your husband. You may have to take a leave of absence from work so that you can avoid seeing your husband. You should also consider keeping the children away from their school until you can enroll them into a different one. Do not go anywhere that you usually frequent as your husband may be watching out for you.

This is a concise list of what you should consider. For more information about what you can add to your checklist, please see the book “Time To Go”. If you have something to add or some important information that others should consider, please leave a comment below. Thanks for reading and good luck on your journey to freedom.

5 Reasons Women Stay In Abusive Relationships

5 Reasons Women Stay In Abusive Relationships

If you are looking in from the outside, you may find it is easy to put down women in abusive relationships. The question of “Why doesn’t she just stand up for herself and leave?” seems to be an obvious solution. The truth of the situation is usually, much more complicated than can be seen. There are many factors which play a part in the reasoning behind staying with an abuser. Here are some of the reasons why a victim may stay in an abusive relationship.

The Sequence Of Abuse 

A woman may not suffer constant abuse from her partner. There may be a situation which involves, periods where the abuser is affectionate and generous. This may give the victim hope that this may always be the case and also, trains them to behave as the abuser wishes. It may also be that the victim looks forward to the making up sessions with the abuser. Whether it is an emotional, physical or financial reward, the abuse is justified and accepted in the victim’s mind. This may become a comfortable pattern and the victim may look forward to their rewards, without realizing that they can have a healthy relationship.

5 Reasons Women Stay In Abusive Relationships

Underdeveloped Self Worth

The victim may have a history, of being treated poorly by her family and others around her. This may include witnessing domestic abuse while growing up and also being a social outcast. There are also groups that dictates, what a woman should do and what her role is. Due to these factors, a woman may believe that her partner is actually treating her normally or even kindly. This type of mindset can be very hard to overcome and you may get in trouble if you suggest that they leave. These women may tell their partners about your advice as a way to show their loyalty. 

Pressured To Stay 

A victim of abuse may believe that they are responsible for making their relationship work. This may be something they learned from their religious background, their parents or even their own standards. Some women may also be influenced by, the pressure to be loyal to their husband and to stay by his side through thick or thin. This pressure to make their marriage work means that leaving is a failure which will make them less than a woman in their eyes. Marriage is intended to be a lifelong commitment but it should also be a happy healthy life. Abuse is a violation of the marriage vows.

5 Reasons Women Stay In Abusive Relationships

Misguided Feelings

There are some women who believe that they can change their husband into a better person. They do not realize that change is something that comes from within. They may believe that their abusers need them and they, are the only ones who can help them. Some women may also stay with their abusers believing that their children should have a father present in their lives. They may not see that they are giving their children the wrong impression of what a relationship should be. Some women may feel ashamed to let anyone know that they are being abused.


Fear is a major cause of women staying in abusive relationships. There are many different fears which abused women experience. There can be the fear of physical violence, whether to themselves, their family or even of their abuser hurting himself. There can also be a fear of losing their home and their way of life. This may seem superficial but is there anyone who does not seek financial security for themselves and their family? There can also be a fear that the abuser will embarrass them in front of family, friends or even at work. It must be said that abusers can be very charismatic and may show a different personality in public than they do at home. As such, it may be difficult to speak to people who only think good things about them. Not sure if you are being abused? Join the over 15oo students on my course, it will give you clarity. Please also feel free to get in touch by emailing me.

5 Signs Of Emotional Blackmail In Relationships

5 Signs Of Emotional Blackmail In Relationships  

 Emotional blackmail occurs when a spouse is manipulative and uses threats to try to control their partner’s behaviour. It is a component of emotional abuse that can be difficult to spot. This is because in a relationship each partner has different desires that they wish to be fulfilled. To acquire these desires, one or both partners may use emotional blackmail to get what they want even in a healthy relationship. This can be viewed as a compromise. However, if you are constantly being blackmailed by your partner, then this is a red flag. Here is a closer look at how it may be possible to identify emotional blackmail in your relationship. It is a form of abuse and should not be accepted as normal behaviour.

1. Using Anger Or Sadness To Make You Comply

Babies and small children develop crying as a mechanism to get what they want as this is what works for them. As we get older and can communicate our needs, this behaviour is left behind as it is immature and manipulative. The sad truth is that some men may use this tactic to push their partners to agree to their desires. No one wants to see their spouse crying so this is a very effective ploy. Seeing someone cry makes you think that they are in pain and may make you sympathetic towards them. Anger on the other hand may make you feel fear towards your husband and thus influence your actions. Sympathy and fear are very powerful emotions that are used by abusers to control their victims. If you are being subjugated by your spouse in this way, you need to seek help.

5 Signs Of Emotional Blackmail In Relationships


2. Using Negative Reactions Or Intimidation To Influence You

If you feel that you cannot make your own decisions as your spouse reacts negatively towards them ,then this may be a red flag. This does not include things that will harm you such as drug or alcohol abuse. It is one thing if your spouse is concerned about your health and well being and another if they are tryng to control you. Your husband is a major part of your life but you also need your friends, family and your hobbies. Intimidation is a more aggressive type of behaviour that is easier to recognize as abuse but some women may misinterpret this as love. An example of intimidation is withholding something you may need if you do not comply with his wishes. If your husband has done this to you once, it may be forgivable but if this becomes a habit, you may be a victim of emotional blackmail. You should never feel threatened by your husband.

3. Embarrasses You

If your husband frequently makes you feel embarrassed especially in public, then this can be his way of controlling your actions. If you feel as if “you are walking on eggshells” when you are around him, then you may be a victim of manipulation. No one likes to be embarrassed and your husband should be the one protecting your feelings. You should not be with someone who ridicules your ideas or actions all the time. If this is the way your husband feels about you, then you are not valued.

5 Signs Of Emotional Blackmail In Relationships

4. False Accusations

This is another tool that abusers may use to get their own way. They may accuse you of doing something they know you didn’t do, for example cheating. They may also twist a situation where they are in the wrong and make you take the blame. This can cause psychological trauma as you may begin to question yourself and how you should act. A person who seeks to justify their wrongdoings instead of accepting that they were wrong may need to get help. Do not allow this abuse to continue at the sake of your happiness.

5. Threatens To Harm You, Someone You Love Or Themselves

Where it may seem romantic to some for a husband to say he would kill himself if his wife left him, this is an extreme form of emotional blackmail. It may be that he needs psychological treatment or it is just plain manipulation. Whatever the reason is, you cannot allow this to continue and you should seek professional help. Do not willingly become a hostage to your husband’s whims and fancies.

If you are in an unhealthy marriage, do not blame yourself or seek to stay for the children. It is best to make a plan and follow through to seek your freedom. If you are unsure of how to proceed, please consult the book “Time To Go”. It contains very valuable information about how to leave an abusive relationship. Also get in touch if you need one-to-one support.

How To Avoid Abusive Relationships

How To Avoid Abusive Relationships

As the saying goes “prevention is better than cure”. It is better to totally avoid an abusive relationship than it is to recover from the after effects. It is unlikely that you will know that someone is an abuser at the start of a relationship. As time passes, you may pick up on signs but, you can also take action to test your relationship as well. Here are some signs to look out for that may help you to identify an abuser before going too far in your relationship.

Take It Slow

Even if you believe in love at first sight, it is best to get to know the personality of your potential mate. All men are not terrible but you can’t know if you have a good one in a short period of time. It is simply impossible to see the many aspects of someone’s personality without significant experience. It is important to note that information from his family or friends may be tainted as they try to protect him. It is best for you to rely on your own judgment of his character. Set some time apart to evaluate your relationship, and to observe how he reacts to this situation. You can use this time to spend with your family or friends. It is okay for him to miss you but he should be able to give you some space and not be too demanding.

How To Avoid Abusive Relationships

Don’t Ignore The Signs

If you spend enough time with someone, they will show signs of their personality that you can pick up on. Unfortunately, many women may ignore these signs as they do not want to think ill of the person they love. To reduce the risk of marrying an abuser you should pay very close attention to the following signs, and run for the hills if you see them.


  1. Carefully observe how he interacts with other people. If he treats others unfairly or thinks of people as inferior, then you may soon be treated this way as well.


  1. Is he overly jealous of your friends or attempts to restrict your contact with your friends? Even if he suspects that your friend is in love with you, he should trust your judgment.


  1. Does he blame others for his own faults or mistakes, or refuses to take responsibility for his own actions? Does he get angry in simple situations or is he unable to see someone else’s point of view? This is a red flag as it points to possible personality disorders.


  1. Does he have a narcissistic complex or overly depends on you to make him happy? A narcissist is a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves. While you should be component in his happiness, it should not all be on you. If he says things like “I can’t live without you”, it may sound romantic but isn’t that putting too much pressure on you if it’s true?


  1. Does he attempt to take control of how you spend your money? Giving financial advice is one thing but you should still be in control of your money. Ensure you have a separate account that you put some savings into.


  1. Does he value your ideas or opinions? If he regularly belittles you, puts you down or has to be right all the time, then he may be an abuser. This is his way of controlling your thoughts and your actions.


  1. Do you feel free to be yourself, and make your own decisions, without having to get permission from him? Is he monitoring your phone, online activities, or does he insist on checking where you are or what you are doing? This is not love, this is control. You should consider ending this relationship before you become a statistic.

How To Avoid Abusive Relationships

Love is a wonderful thing but you owe it to yourself to be happy. You can find someone who treats you well. Be aware that you cannot spot an abuser easily. Protect yourself as best as you can. Whether it is physical, emotional or financial abuse you should take steps to avoid becoming a victim. If you are currently in an abusive relationship, then you can consult the book “Time To Go” for help. Thanks for reading and please feel free to share your thoughts.

3 Effects Of Emotional Abuse

3 Effects Of Emotional Abuse

In a previous article, 5 warning signs of emotional abuse were discussed. This article will dig a little deeper by looking at some of the effects that emotional abuse may have on its victims. Please remember that if something happens once, then it may be a mistake. Repeated occurrences are deliberate actions. This is what defines abusive behaviour whether it is physical, emotional, verbal, spiritual or any other type of abuse. Your marriage should be happy and fulfilling, not painful and oppressive. Here are some effects of emotional abuse.

3 Effects Of Emotional Abuse

Distressed Mental State

When emotional abuse occurs for the first time, the victim is likely to feel shocked or confused about what has happened. This is normal as they try to process what has transpired and replay the events in their mind. They may even question what it was they said or did in an attempt to prevent this from happening again. This may lead to them taking on the wrongs of the abuser and trying to adjust themselves accordingly. This is what the abuser wants. They want you to feel ashamed or guilty about something that they actually did. As a victim, you may feel as if you are walking on eggshells when you are with your husband. Others may fall into a state of denial and attempt to play off the abuse as a normal part of marriage. Over time, victims may develop a low self-esteem and self-worth which can be very crippling to their growth. They may also feel as if they are trapped without any hope of escape. Other may feel as if they are alone and all their friends and family are unable to help them. This, of course, is incorrect but their fear or shame can be very overpowering. Other mental side effects may include clinical depression, withdrawal syndrome and even suicidal thoughts or actions.

3 Effects Of Emotional Abuse

Behavioural Changes

Emotional abuse may cause fear and anxiety in the victims as they do not know what will trigger an attack. This goes over into their interactions with other people and they may become hyper-vigilant. There are some who may become more aggressive as this is the coping mechanism that they have learned. From this, we can see that overly passive or overly aggressive behaviour, while directly opposite, can both be an effect of emotional abuse. They may also change their body language, for example, avoiding eye contact or dry washing their hands. Avoiding friends and family or social engagements which they used to like may also occur. When out with friends, the victim may keep a constant check on how long they are out and express fear of being out too late. They may find themselves crying frequently as they have a feeling of helplessness. There are many cases where there is an extreme dependence on the abuser. This may be displayed by the inability to make the simplest decisions without fear of what the consequences will be. They may also seek to avoid the abuser as much as possible so that they do not offend them in any way. There may also be cases of substance abuse such as drinking alcohol or taking drugs as a means of coping with abuse. This may further destroy a person and makes it even more difficult to escape the abuse.

3 Effects Of Emotional Abuse

Physical Effects

There are many women who experience a physical pain without there being a reason. This can be very debilitating and hard to diagnose. The mind is very powerful and it interprets pain and the source of this pain. The victim may be so fearful of a physical attack that they may actually suffer severe pain when in the presence of the abuser or even when they think about the abuser. They have also been known to have problems getting a good night’s sleep and may take drugs to aid them. This may affect other areas of their lives. They may become a shell of the person they were. Raccoon eyes are the obvious sign of lack of sleep and no one wants to have this look.


These are not the only or definitive effects of emotional abuse. If you have anything to add, please feel free to comment. If you want to find out more about emotional abuse, you can pick up the book “Time To Go”. Thanks for reading.

5 Signs of Financial Abuse in Relationships

5 Signs of Financial Abuse in Relationships

Financial abuse is one of the main ways that men use to control women and make them feel helpless to escape. If there is a child involved, then the financial pressure can be even more suffocating as the woman is even more dependent on her husband. Financial abuse can exist without other abuses but is often the beginning of a man exerting his control. In this article, we take a look at 5 ways that financial abuse may occur.

Making Career Decisions For You

If your spouse insists on where you can work or for how many hours, then this is a big warning sign that abuse may follow. This is especially so if he attempts to get you to quit your job and rely on him to pay the bills. If you are not being encouraged to work and look for a better job to enter, then it is likely that he has sinister goals in mind. Abusers may also attempt to have a woman become pregnant which will eventually take her away from work.

5 Signs of Financial Abuse in Relationships

He Controls The Flow Of Money

Do you have to hand over your paycheck to your husband who then gives you a stipend which barely covers your transportation and lunch? Does he keep a track of every penny you spend and require you to give an account of all your expenses? Has he put all the bills in your name and all the assets in his name? Has he insisted that you close your account and all the money be put into an account which only he has access to? These are some of the tactics that abusers may use to control the flow of money and suppress their wives. If your husband is making excuses for these types of actions, then he may not be sincere and you may be in danger. It is fine to have a joint account that you both put some savings into but you should also try to have your own account.

5 Signs of Financial Abuse in Relationships

He Harasses You At Work

Some abusers are unable to get their wives to leave their jobs so they resort to making her work life unbearable. The methods used include continuous disturbances via calling or texting to create pressure for your employer to terminate your employment. An abuser may also physically go to your workplace and make a disturbance with the aim of getting you fired. There have also been cases where the abuser intentionally sabotages his wife by disabling her vehicle to prevent her from going to work. These are all strategic plans which the victim is ill-prepared for and can be very devastating to her psyche.

He Uses Your Money Without Your Consent

Many abusers will make the excuse that you are now married so your money is now his money. This violates the bond of trust between you especially if you are put in debt by his actions. By spending your money he is directly affecting how much is available to you and limiting your options. As a couple, you should be making decisions together. You should not be blindsided by reckless spending. A man who isn’t working may also use this to restrict his partner’s savings to keep her with him.

5 Signs of Financial Abuse in Relationships

Threatens To Abandon You

If a woman is financially dependent on her husband and he threatens to desert her, then this is a form of financial abuse. His aim is to establish a dominant control over his wife. She has to do as he commands or face the consequences. The terror of losing the basic necessities of life is enough to keep his wife in check. He will also make excuses or directly prevent her from getting a job and gaining her financial freedom.

It might appear to be very hard for you to leave your husband and gain your freedom but you can do it. There are many abuse survivors and you can become one as well if you make the appropriate plans and take action. You can find more information about financial abuse in the book, “Time to Go“. Thank you for reading. Please feel free to get in touch. Don’t forget to comment on this article as your thoughts and experiences are highly valued.

5 Signs Of Verbal Abuse

5 Signs Of Verbal Abuse

It is not okay for one spouse to hit another under any circumstances. Physical abuse is not hard to spot but in the past, many did not recognize it as abuse. Much progress has been made in this area as the experts and victims of abuse speak out. However, there is a type of abuse where the victims might not be sure they are being abused and so they are harder to reach. The abusers have so chipped away at their self-esteem that the victims may be confused and mistrustful of their own self. This is, in fact, the purpose of verbal abuse. In physical abuse, there is the evidence of bruises. But in verbal abuse, the bruises are internal and can be devastating. So, how do you know when you are being verbally abused? Here are some signs to look out for.

5 Signs Of Verbal Abuse


The abuser does not express himself in a normal voice but is shouting at you. Sometimes he does so right up in your face. The purpose of this is to frighten and intimidate you into submission. It may be difficult to think straight when someone is shouting at you. To make it worse, the words shouted may be unpleasant. The shouting may also be accompanied by swearing. This has the added effect of belittling you. Sometimes they blame you for their shouting by saying that if you behaved differently, then they would not have to shout. You may lose your feeling of safety and security when they are around and try to behave in a way so they do not shout.

Name Calling

Your parents gave you several names including a family name. So your husband has names by which to identify you. If he does not use one of these or a term of endearment to address you, then he may be abusing you. You have to be careful because sometimes even terms of endearment can be used in an unpleasant or sarcastic way. Name calling can be dehumanizing. This can chip away at your self-worth and identity.

 5 Signs Of Verbal Abuse


The abuser uses words of shame or criticism to put you down. They make it worse by doing it in front of people. Sometimes they do it in the opposite way. Instead of calling you fat or skinny, they may moan that if only you would lose or gain weight. This is still a criticism. They blame you for having to shame you. You may feel ashamed when you have nothing to be ashamed about. This may make you doubt yourself and gives the abuser power over you.


The abuser uses threats to cause fear and intimidate you. Never take threats lightly even when made seemingly in jest. Fear allows the abuser to manipulate you. They may say, “If you do that, then I am forced to do this”. Again they make it your fault. They use threats to make you do things they want you to do or act in a way that may make you uncomfortable. The whole idea is for you to conform to their wishes even if they make you unhappy this is not in your best interest.

5 Signs Of Verbal Abuse

Dismissive Behaviour

The abuser does not respect your views as they see your ideas as unimportant. They refuse to discuss your issues, because then they would have to take responsibility. They are dismissive of your feelings as if you are not a person. They belittle you into thinking you are not important. You may doubt your ability to make the right decisions or to have an opinion. You may lose your self-esteem a little bit at a time.


Some wives may choose to remain in a relationship with verbal abuse longer than in one with physical abuse. It could be that they do not see words as abuse. As it is so insidious, verbal abuse is sometimes more dangerous than physical abuse. The victim might not realize what is going on until it is too late. Victims can fall so much under the abuser’s control that they need to be rescued as they cannot get out by themselves. So if you can recognize these signs in someone’s relationship or your own, please seek help for yourself, you can reach out to us via email.


3 Ways To Help Children Heal After Witnessing Domestic Abuse

3 Ways To Help Children Heal After Witnessing Domestic Abuse

Children who witness domestic abuse may be traumatized and they may require special care and attention. The longer the child lives in this environment, the more complex their symptoms may be. You may not be in the best frame of mind since you are the one who has suffered from the abuse but your children need you. Here are some possible actions that may be considered in order to assist your child with the healing process.

3 Ways To Help Children Heal After Witnessing Domestic Abuse

Speak Honestly With Your Child

It is important to talk with your child about what is happening. Ensure that the conversation is age appropriate. Listen carefully to what is said. Do not attempt to force your child to speak about anything they do not want to. Be patient, gentle and calm. Try not to do anything to push your child further away. Speak as simply as you can to avoid misunderstanding or confusion. As your child opens up to you about how they are feeling, be realistic and honest with your answers. This may affect their trust in you. For example, you telling your child that the abuse will not happen again and then it does. Your child may learn to distrust adults. They may lose confidence in you. Do not make promises that you cannot keep. If the child is not up to speaking, then you can try spending more time with them. You can play a game that they enjoy. Depending on the age of the child, you could read with them or engage in a household activity that requires you to work closely together, for example cooking. You can use these activities to strengthen your bond with your child so they will communicate with you when they are ready.

How To Heal And Rebuild Your Life After Leaving Abuse

Reassure Your Child

Your child may have developed different feelings such as fear or resentment. You may need to reassure them. You can start by regularly checking in on them so that they can feel your love and know that you value them. Physical contact is important. You can hug or lightly touch them as much as they will allow. Do not be put off by a teen that may make a fuss about this. They may just be putting on a show. Assert your love for your child and seek to reduce any anger or hatred they may feel. If your child is exhibiting unacceptable behaviour, then you can make clear what is expected of them. If the abuser is still present in your life, then you can let your child know that you will do everything that you can to keep them safe. You should also make an emergency plan and drill your child in what they are to do if you decide to take action and leave.

3 Ways To Help Children Heal After Witnessing Domestic Abuse

Encourage Your Child To Join A Club Or Group

It may be difficult to get your child to join a group. However, there are many benefits of group activities. So do not give up easily. Be aware that your child may not integrate quickly with this new club or group. Be present as often as possible so that you can determine their progress. Being a part of a club or group will allow your child to interact socially with others of the same or similar age group. This may lead to new friendships and acceptance. These are important for your child’s development and a group may give them a safe place that they can enjoy. There are many options available in different clubs from active to intellectual, as well as volunteering for a good cause. If you are unable to find an extracurricular activity for your child, then you may want to consider occupying their time yourself. This can be done by taking walks or an artistic outlet, for example painting. If this is the decision you make, you can still encourage your child to make friends because this may contribute to their confidence and overall happiness.

Having a safe and loving environment is not only important for your child but certainly for you as well. If you are still living with abuse, then please get a copy of the book “Time To Go”. It has important information about how to leave an abusive relationship. It also identifies the different types of abuse. You can use the information gained to help you make an informed decision. Also, feel free to set up an appointment to get clarity and strategise your next best steps. Thank you for reading. Please feel free to comment your thoughts and experiences below.

5 Ways Domestic Abuse Affects Children

5 Ways Domestic Abuse Affects Children

Domestic abuse not only adversely affects women on the receiving end, but it may also greatly affect their children. As a mother, you may be trying your best to shield your children from physical harm. But there are other factors you should consider. Children are a lot smarter and aware than we tend to notice. They are attuned to their surroundings. Please think carefully about the following ways children who live with domestic abuse may be affected.

They Become Fearful

Children who live with domestic abuse may become fearful of when the next attack may arise. They become worried about what may happen to their mother, their siblings and themselves. Their behaviour patterns may change as they attempt to process what is happening and why. This fear may also manifest itself in how they relate to their peers. They may be afraid to have a friend visit their home because they do not know what may happen. They may also be afraid to express themselves or their desires as they seek to avoid the wrath of the abuser. This may cause the child to be shy and withdrawn as they attempt to avoid the attention of the abuser. Even infants may be affected by domestic abuse. They may sleep poorly or cry inconsolably.

Their Performance At School Is Affected

Poor performance at school may occur as these children have much bigger concerns that they are ill-prepared to handle. A child living with domestic abuse may be more concerned about what mood daddy will be in rather than what a teacher is saying. They may have trouble sleeping well and this may affect their concentration at school. Poor attendance and skipping classes may also occur as they avoid anything that they perceive as threatening. This may be a teacher who is strict or a subject that is difficult.

5 Ways Domestic Abuse Affects Children

They Develop Physical Side Effects

Children may develop physical side effects such as bed wetting, stomachaches or headaches. These side effects are impossible to control and may get them in trouble with the abuser. These physical side effects may be a result of their stressful situation and may be debilitating to their psyche. Unfortunately, it is hard to diagnose the cause of these illnesses because the child may be afraid to speak about their home experiences. Some children may develop speech impediments such as stuttering because they are so afraid to speak.


They Develop Guilt And Shame

Children of domestic abuse may consider themselves to be the cause of the abuse. This may happen if they overhear an argument where the abuser mentions them. It may also occur if they make a mistake. For example, spilling some juice and their father reacts with hostility towards them and their mother who tries to shield them. They may develop a deep sense of guilt that they are the cause of something they cannot control. They might be ashamed to tell anyone of what is happening as they perceive themselves as the reason.

5 Ways Domestic Abuse Affects Children

They Behave Inappropriately

Teens may behave inappropriately because of being around domestic abuse. This type of behaviour includes bullying their peers, fighting and using coarse language because this is what they see at home. Younger children may exhibit these behaviours, but it may be more noticeable at this age and therefore easier to spot. With teens, it may be misconstrued that their acquaintances are the cause. Children may also come to believe that their mother and all women by extension are to be abused. This may make the boys become future abusers and the girls’ future victims of abuse because they believe this is how relationships are. They may also develop bad habits such as alcohol drinking, smoking or using drugs. They may have low self-esteem and as such have trouble making friends or being a part of social groups.

If you are a victim of domestic abuse who has children, you may want to consider getting help. Give yourself and your children a chance at happiness and being safe. If you need more information on domestic abuse, please pick up the book “Time To Go”. As always, please comment below about any thoughts or experiences you wish to share.


5 Signs Your Husband May Be A Narcissist

5 Signs Your Husband May Be A Narcissist

Narcissism is a word that has become widely misused. So let us start by defining what it is. Narcissism is a personality disorder and can vary in its severity. People who have this disorder may not be able to overcome it on their own and may need professional help. The term originates from Greek mythology, where the young Narcissus fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water. People with this condition have an extreme sense of self-importance, need excessive attention and lack empathy for others. These are not good attributes to have in a relationship and especially a marriage. While it requires a professional to officially diagnose this condition, here are 5 signs your husband may be a narcissist. If you have any concerns be on the lookout for these and others.

5 Signs Your Husband May Be A Narcissist

He Sees Himself As “Special”

Every life has value and is special. But does your husband seek to have everyone believe that he is special? This may be easier seen if he portrays himself this way with little to back up the claim or he lies about his achievements. A narcissist will portray everything about their life as unique but only as it regards to them. For example, your husband may say that you as his wife is special, but only because he is special. You will come to know that he does not really view you in this way but only puts on a show. He may use the excuse that only someone like him can truly understand him or his genius. This may be a way to seek superiority without providing any validation that he actually is.

He Has A History Of Grandiose Behaviour

Does your husband have a history that predates your relationship, with extravagant behaviour and arrogance? Does he insist on having the best of everything regardless of his family’s financial status? You may have to question his family and old friends to determine this but do so in a friendly manner. You could ask them about any enterprises in his teen years or what he did with his first paycheck? Does he have a history of taking advantage of or exploiting others to get what he wants? In this way, you may be able to see a pattern of actions that are red flags that they haven’t seen.

He Doesn’t Really Care About Others

Does your husband seem not to care about you or your feelings? People who are narcissistic may lack empathy or the ability to share and understand the feelings of others. This is not a deliberate act but is usually due to their self-consciousness and self-doubt. They are so concerned with their appearance and how to make others think more of them that they cannot empathize with others. They turn every situation into a reflection on them and not think about anyone else involved. Does your husband only show interest in you or your children if there is something that can make him look good? If this is the case, then he may be narcissistic.

5 Signs Your Husband May Be A Narcissist

He Is Overly Jealous And Competitive

Is your husband jealous of people who are successful or have major accomplishments? This may be because he is faced with a problem his mental state cannot accept. That is someone being better than he is. If he is obsessively competitive even with you or your children, then that may be his way of creating accomplishments. He may then brag about his many accomplishments to distinguish himself as being unique, superior and or special. He may not be aware that others see this as trivial and may become defensive if anyone disagrees.

He Has A Sense Of Entitlement

Does your husband feel that he deserves special treatment or consideration when there is no proof that he should get it? This may be shown if he expects to be singled out in a crowd or excluded from waiting with others. For example, if you go to a restaurant and there is a waiting period, but he makes a scene to gain attention. A narcissistic complex requires constant recognition and admiration, which can be embarrassing to those around. It is especially hard if you disagree or try to rein him in because he may turn on you. His sense of entitlement may lead him to take advantage of you verbally and physically if he is denied.

If you recognize any of the above-mentioned signs please feel free to reach out to me for support and advice or get your copy of my Amazon bestseller ‘Time to Go’, which is packed with sound and practical advice and guidance about abusive relationships, including what you can do if he may be a narcissist Remember, you will need to seek professional help to know this for sure. It may be difficult to convince him to seek treatment because he may not accept that he has a problem. Please seek the necessary information you need to get help, you deserve to be happy and abuse free.