All posts by Norva S Abiona

5 Signs Your Husband May Be A Narcissist

December 4, 2017Blog, UncategorizedNorva S Abiona

Narcissism is a word that has become widely misused. So let us start by defining what it is. Narcissism is a personality disorder and can vary in its severity. People who have this disorder may not be able to overcome it on their own and may need professional help. The term originates from Greek mythology, where the young Narcissus fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water. People with this condition have an extreme sense of self-importance, need excessive attention and lack empathy for others. These are not good attributes to have in a relationship and especially a marriage. While it requires a professional to officially diagnose this condition, here are 5 signs your husband may be a narcissist. If you have any concerns be on the lookout for these and others.

He Sees Himself As “Special”

Every life has value and is special. But does your husband seek to have everyone believe that he is special? This may be easier seen if he portrays himself this way with little to back up the claim or he lies about his achievements. A narcissist will portray everything about their life as unique but only as it regards to them. For example, your husband may say that you as his wife is special, but only because he is special. You will come to know that he does not really view you in this way but only puts on a show. He may use the excuse that only someone like him can truly understand him or his genius. This may be a way to seek superiority without providing any validation that he actually is.

He Has A History Of Grandiose Behaviour

Does your husband have a history that predates your relationship, with extravagant behaviour and arrogance? Does he insist on having the best of everything regardless of his family’s financial status? You may have to question his family and old friends to determine this but do so in a friendly manner. You could ask them about any enterprises in his teen years or what he did with his first paycheck? Does he have a history of taking advantage of or exploiting others to get what he wants? In this way, you may be able to see a pattern of actions that are red flags that they haven’t seen.

He Doesn’t Really Care About Others

Does your husband seem not to care about you or your feelings? People who are narcissistic may lack empathy or the ability to share and understand the feelings of others. This is not a deliberate act but is usually due to their self-consciousness and self-doubt. They are so concerned with their appearance and how to make others think more of them that they cannot empathize with others. They turn every situation into a reflection on them and not think about anyone else involved. Does your husband only show interest in you or your children if there is something that can make him look good? If this is the case, then he may be narcissistic.

He Is Overly Jealous And Competitive

Is your husband jealous of people who are successful or have major accomplishments? This may be because he is faced with a problem his mental state cannot accept. That is someone being better than he is. If he is obsessively competitive even with you or your children, then that may be his way of creating accomplishments. He may then brag about his many accomplishments to distinguish himself as being unique, superior and or special. He may not be aware that others see this as trivial and may become defensive if anyone disagrees.

He Has A Sense Of Entitlement

Does your husband feel that he deserves special treatment or consideration when there is no proof that he should get it? This may be shown if he expects to be singled out in a crowd or excluded from waiting with others. For example, if you go to a restaurant and there is a waiting period, but he makes a scene to gain attention. A narcissistic complex requires constant recognition and admiration, which can be embarrassing to those around. It is especially hard if you disagree or try to rein him in because he may turn on you. His sense of entitlement may lead him to take advantage of you verbally and physically if he is denied.

If you recognize any of the above-mentioned signs please feel free to reach out to me for support and advice or get your copy of my Amazon bestseller ‘Time to Go’, which is packed with sound and practical advice and guidance about abusive relationships, including what you can do if he may be a narcissist Remember, you will need to seek professional help to know this for sure. It may be difficult to convince him to seek treatment because he may not accept that he has a problem. Please seek the necessary information you need to get help, you deserve to be happy and abuse free.

5 Signs of Digital Abuse in Relationships

November 28, 2017BlogNorva S Abiona

As with many other forms of communication, the social media platform is being misused to bully and abuse people. Digital abuse is similar to verbal abuse, but it can be more damaging and far-reaching than verbal abuse. This type of abuse uses technology to bully, stalk and intimidate. The victims of these crimes come from all walks of life. In this article, the types of digital abuse and how you can identify them will be explored. I will be sharing more from the standpoint of when it happens in a marriage.

Cyber Bully

If your husband tells you who you can or cannot be in contact with on any social media platform, then he is a cyber bully. This is especially true if he restricts you from contacting your family and close friends. If he posts negative comments, sends you insulting or threatening messages or emails, then you are being abused. You may start feeling afraid of what your spouse may say to or about you on social media. This is a means for him to control your actions.

Cyber Stalker

Does your husband use digital tools to keep a track of where you are or what you are doing? Does he insist on knowing your passwords or has he hacked any of your accounts? Does he constantly text or message you so that you are afraid to be away from your phone? Does he insist on looking through your phone to check who you have called or sent messages to? These are the actions of a stalker. You should not feel as if you are being monitored by your spouse. The world is crazy enough as it is without living in the same house with someone stalking you. If he does not trust you, then you both may want to consider seeing a therapist to work out this issue. You should be aware that stalkers may become violent. So be careful in the way you approach him about his problem.

Threats via Cyber

This may be the least known type of cyber abuse but it is very common. The biggest issue with this type of crime is proving that it was a genuine threat, especially if you said it’s from your spouse. The malicious words can be hidden in the form of sarcasm, a joke or tongue-in-cheek jest, etc. It’s easy for a spouse to convince the world that it’s normal household banter. However, if you feel frightened, intimidated or anxious about what could happen based on what was written, said or in any other way shared online then that is a threat. Another big issue is that domestic abuse victims will, on many occasions, prefer to keep it to themselves due to shame or trying to protect your marriage. It then becomes difficult for the authorities to look more closely to determine whether it is illegal or not. Even when a threat has been carried out, wholly or to a certain extent, victims at times will prefer to keep it to themselves.

Cyber Pervert

If your husband pressures you to send him explicit pictures or videos of yourself to him, then he may be a cyber pervert. You should always have a choice of what you want to share because you do not know what he is doing with it. Yes, he is your husband, but you can never be too careful about your privacy. There are many cases of couples breaking up and explicit pictures or videos being sent out on social media. It is very hard to recover from a situation like this. It is best to try to prevent this from happening. Your husband should be sensitive and protective of your body. A phone can be lost or stolen and the information released. If he already has these explicit materials for you, you may want to consider asking that he delete them. Regardless of his intentions for them, you do not want to be in an unnecessarily vulnerable position.

Emotional Cyber Abuser

Does your husband make unkind references about you when he updates his online status on social media? Does he make unkind tags of you in photos? Does he parade your personal life and conflicts on social media for all to see? These are not the actions of someone who loves you and is mature. No, it’s emotional abuse in another form. If this happens once, then you may choose to forgive it. But if it happens again, then this is a pattern of abuse. It is one thing to make a mistake and tell a relative or friend about your marital problems and quite another to make it known to the world. This is what happens when something is posted on social media. Be aware that neither he nor you have any control over anything that is posted online. Even if he makes a post and then removes it, someone could have copied this information and sent it to others. Anything put online is to be considered permanent because you have no control over what is done with it.

If you think that you are a victim of digital abuse, please do not treat it lightly. Respect yourself, the rights to your privacy and be in control of your life. You can find more information about digital abuse in the book, “Time to Go“. Please feel free to comment your thoughts below. You can also feel free to get in touch if you are in need of marital support; be it as an individual or for both you and your spouse together.

How To Heal And Rebuild Your Life After Leaving Abuse

November 23, 2017UncategorizedNorva S Abiona

You have taken charge of your life by leaving your abusive relationship and you are to be applauded for taking that step. Now begins the road to recovery, which will take time as you rediscover yourself and the world around you. This article may assist you along this new journey with some pointers for you to consider.

HEALING

Do Not Start A New Intimate Relationship too soon

Many women make the mistake of starting a new relationship within months of leaving their abuser. There is a high probability that this may not work out because you are not ready for a relationship as yet. You need time to build your self-confidence and know your self-worth before you even think of letting someone else into your private life. If a potential suitor presents himself shortly after you have left your abuser, tell him that you are not ready. A true gentleman does not pressure a lady. There will be more opportunities for you to find love again when you are whole.

Develop A Comfortable Routine

To help with the healing process, it is wise to plan your day to day activities. A structure is an important step in recovery. You may start slowly and add more activities as your confidence grows. Do not berate yourself if you are unable to get everything done. Commit to continue pushing yourself. If you persevere with organizing your life, you may become more accepting of yourself and where you are. You will know that you are able to live your life without anyone directing your actions for you.

REBUILDING

Reconnect With Family And Friends

There is a high chance that your ex-abuser had influenced you to rely solely on him and cease or reduce communications with your family and friends. You may feel reluctance at first due to the circumstances that led to severing these relations. Be assured that you can overcome this. The people who love you will be understanding and may even have been aware of your plight and felt helpless to assist you. Put your pride aside. Do not be afraid to talk about your experience. This is a necessary part of your recovery.

Engage In Group Activities

Joining a support group for abuse victims is a good way to find strength, motivation and closure. If you are not up to being around strangers as yet, you may get started by taking a class. This will help you to get out and about with people in a more comfortable environment of your choosing. It is suggested to get active. An exercise class or something that takes you outdoors, for example hiking with a group, would be a good start. If you were physically abused, you may consider taking a self-defense class to help empower you. Of course, you can always go out dancing with your friends if you are so inclined and burn some calories while having fun.

Seek Divine Guidance

If you have never felt driven to follow a religion, then you should seek harmony and balance in your inner self. Putting your soul at ease may be the most important piece of the recovery process. It does not matter which faith or creed you follow. The important thing is to reconnect with God spiritually. You may have felt that God abandoned you in an abusive relationship with a man you may now see as a devil. But this was never so. You were always provided with a means to end your abuse through His love for you. Do not mistake the trials and difficulties in your life as a punishment from God. By reconnecting with your Heavenly Father, you are recommitting to doing what is right for your life through His guidance and love.

The healing and rebuilding process after an abusive relationship does not happen overnight. This may take many years to complete. Do not be ashamed to cry or feel self-pity because these things are normal. Take things slowly and make a note of the progress that you make. This will aid you in taking greater control of your life and getting back to a normal life. You can find more detailed information about healing and rebuilding your life in my Amazon bestseller book, “Time to Go“.

3 Signs Of Sexual Abuse In Marriage

November 17, 2017BlogNorva S Abiona

The subject of sexual abuse tends to conjure images of overpowering someone physically and violently. However, you should know that this is not always the case. You may be a victim of sexual abuse right now in your marriage but you may believe that this is normal. This may be dependent on how you were raised or what your spouse has done to “train” you. If you think that is not possible, please continue reading, as this article seeks to open your eyes to common abuse patterns you may have overlooked or ignored.

1. Does He Only See You When He Wants Sex?

If your husband does not seek to spend time with you when sex is not in the offering, he may be using sex as a means to control you. This is basically him letting you know that you are just a tool for his sexual needs. He does not value you as a partner. Love in a marriage should be mental, emotional as well as physical. Do not sell yourself short. Your husband should be in love with you as a person, your mind as well as your body. If you think that you must use sex to get your husband’s attention, then you may be an unwitting victim of sexual abuse. If you are unable to fulfill his desires when he demands it, your husband may feel justified to cheat on you. This is not anything you can control. But you should not accept the blame for his actions. You should seek counselling. Be prepared to separate if he cannot see you for the beautiful woman you are and not a mere sex object.

2. Does He Demand That You Do Things In Bed That You Dislike?

There is nothing wrong with consensual sexual experimentation between two people in a marriage. However, you should not feel pressured to do things that you do not like or even pressured to have sex if you don’t want to. It may be the case that you were talked into trying something different and you didn’t like it, but your husband wants it to continue. You should not feel that your relationship with your spouse would change if you do not comply with his requests. This is a deceptive form of sexual abuse that must be stopped before you lose your self-worth. If your husband truly loves you, then he will accept your decision and not attempt to force you in any way. Be true to yourself and your principles. Do not be ashamed to report your husband to the police if he assaults you, it is wrong and you are the victim. Ignoring this fact will only give him more power over you.

3. Are You Afraid Of Reprisals If You Do Not Have Sex?

If you are afraid of what your husband will do if you do not have sex, you may be a victim of sexual abuse. You should not be terrified that your husband will give you the cold shoulder if you are not up to having intercourse with him. Certainly, he may feel disappointed, as this is only normal. But this should not last for a long period. He has to have the capacity to shake this off and be back to loving you and being there for you when you need him. Your husband should not withdraw his support for you, whether it is emotional or financial, simply because of sex. This is manipulation and exploitation from the person who should love you the most. Love does not have to be under his conditions alone. He is not in control of your body or your feelings. You should not be scared of your husband losing his temper or that he will seek sex elsewhere if you are not in the mood. Sex in marriage ought to be a physical expression of your love and trust for each other, not a burden. Do not let your spouse bully you into being his unwilling sex slave. Stand up for yourself. Let your opinions and feelings be counted.

Do not be afraid or ashamed to speak about abuse because you are not the perpetrator of the offense but the victim. Be strong enough to admit that you need to retake your life. Make the necessary steps towards your happiness. Do not let your husband develop a pattern of abuse or manipulation against you. You are valuable, you are beautiful inside and out, you should be love and respected.

If you are affected by this article and would like to speak to someone about it, please feel free to get in touch email me. Do not suffer in silence or feel like you have to cover up for your spouse’s abusive attitude or behavior. You were not born to be a victim and you certainly did not get married to be one.

5 Ways To Get Out Of An Abusive Relationship When You Have No Money

November 8, 2017BlogNorva S Abiona

Getting out of an abusive relationship requires a plan of action, commitment and money to ensure you don’t have to return to your abuser. Money is, of course, the major hurdle here. With this in mind, here are 5 suggestions of ways to get out of an abusive relationship when you have no money.

Disclaimer: I am not a financial advisor so please seek outside advice from an expert before choosing any of the options suggested, especially numbers 3 and 4.

1. Ask Family Members and Close Friends

The people closest to you are the people more invested in your life and well-being. These are the people who are likely to be more empathetic to your plight and will assist if they can afford to. You may even have done kind acts of a similar nature for them in the past and they would like to reciprocate the favour to you. Do not ask for charity. Instead, ask for a loan, which you must be committed to repay and have a reasonable timeline. Do not seek to overextend yourself. Try for a six month or more repayment period. If accepted, this should be seen as an unbreakable contract. You must make every effort to repay this loan. If the person you approach insists on giving you money instead of lending it to you, then express your sincere appreciation. When you are back on your feet, show even more gratitude with a thank you card and a small gift. On the other hand, be aware that the person(s) you ask may not be in a position to assist you. You should not be angry or disheartened. Remember that these are the people you want to continue having a good relationship with. Continue to be congenial and understanding. There is a chance that they will explore an alternative way to assist you that you may not have thought of or known.

2. Contact Shelters or Go On A Victim Program

You may be able to get funding from a local organization that helps victims of abuse. Shelters or organizations may offer housing, food, clothing, money and counseling to aid your escape. You must explore what resources may be available to you. Do not be ashamed to speak about your abuse. This could be a life and debt situation, even if you have not experienced physical abuse in the past. You can use the Internet to find relevant information. However, do so on a medium that your husband does not have access to, for example at a library. There may even be a hotline that you can call that will guide you to a shelter or organization in your area. Sadly domestic abuse is a common problem, however, many countries have committed to confronting, by making resources available to those who need it. Please note that there will be a process that you will have to follow and forms you will have to fill out. Do not let this deter you.

3. Get a Pay Advance

If you are employed, you may consider asking your boss for an early pay cheque or advance on your salary. This may not be a large sum, but it may be enough to cover your immediate expenses. If you explain your reasons for requesting this advance, then your boss may make the necessary arrangements to aid you. If you are able to get an advance on your salary, please negotiate realistic repayment terms.

4. Get a Credit Card

Although not the best option due to the high-interest rate, a credit card is a viable means for your immediate financial needs. If you shop around, you may be able to find a card that offers zero interest over a certain time frame, for example, six months. This will enable you to pay back the amount used without accruing the interest penalty. Do not use any credit card that you currently possess because your husband may have access to it. He may be able to cancel the card or use it to track you. It is best to get a brand new unknown credit card.

5. Sell Valuable Items

This may be the hardest thing for you to do, but material possessions are not worth your life. You will have to be discreet and selective in your choice of what to part with. You do not want to alert your husband to what you are doing. If you have a precious gift from a loved one, which you find it hard to part with, consider that the person who gave it to you would want you to be happy. The person would certainly encourage you to choose your life over any heirloom that you may have. If the item is very precious to you, consider options that may allow you to buy it back when you are able to, such as a pawnshop.

The options discussed here as well as more can be found in the book “Time To Go”. Please be careful as you embark on this journey and arm yourself with the necessary knowledge to be successful. I want to also encourage you to share this information with the people in your life. You do not always know who is in need of it.

6 Things You Can Learn As a Domestic Abuse Survivor – Part Two

October 25, 2017BlogNorva S Abiona

Welcome to the second and final part of this series. If you missed the first article, don’t worry because this is not in any particular order. You can always view it after reading this one. Let’s take a look at some other lessons that you can learn from being a survivor of abuse. This may help you with making the decision to wanting a better life for yourself.

Staying in Abuse for Financial Benefits Never Results in Your Happiness

Money and possessions are not worth the emotional or physical abuse because you may develop bad coping mechanisms. You may become withdrawn, afraid to express yourself and establish bad spending habits. This may encourage your husband to abuse you. The days of men looking down on women because they are taking care of the household and not earning an income are over. Your value is unquestionable and accepting abuse for monetary reasons may erode your confidence and spirit. In essence, you give up your freedom and become a slave to your husband who will treat you in any manner that he wishes. You should consider getting out of this situation by spreading your wings and seeking your financial freedom. You can accomplish anything that you put your will and effort into.

It’s Never Wise to Stay With a Well Known Relative or Friend When You Leave a Violent Abuser

This will be the first place that your abuser will come looking for you. This may result in others getting hurt as well. Your husband is not likely thinking rationally or considering that he will not want to cause a scene. You are in a dangerous position with someone who may be mentally unstable. This is not the loving husband you may have known. There is a high chance that your husband will show up at your family’s or friend’s residence. Ensure that you are not there. This will reduce the chances of a violent encounter. When you leave, please go to a shelter or a trusted acquaintance that cannot easily be traced.

People Who Encourage You to Stay in Domestic Abuse are Often Victims or Abusers Themselves

Generally speaking, people will give their opinion based on their own personal experience. This may be the case if someone encourages you to stay in an abusive relationship. You should consider distancing yourself from these people. They may have their own demons to wrestle with so they may not be able to properly advise you. Someone wise and knowledgeable about the potential consequences of abuse will embolden you to find a way out. You should not stay in a situation that may be mentally or physically detrimental to you.

Do Not Return to an Unreformed Abuser

The more you forgive and return to an unreformed abuser is the more severe the abuse may get. An abuser who feels embarrassed or shunned by your behaviour may look for ways to get back at you. If you return to him then you may be saying, “It’s okay to punish me for telling others the truth of how you treat me”. Do not fool yourself. This is the same person. He does not believe that there is anything wrong with how he treats you. If he has not taken any steps to change, then he may continue to hurt you. It is good to forgive, but move on with a life without him after you have done.

You Don’t Need to Have a Large Sum of Money to Leave an Abuser

If you make a plan that covers everything that you will need, then you should be okay. You should get trustworthy support as you try to get back on your feet away from your abuser. Do not make hasty decisions that may put you at risk of another abuser. Be very careful with whom you accept help from. You do not want to be put in a similar position as the one you left.

Unless You Are Physically Imprisoned Then You have the Power to Leave

If you are not physically bound or imprisoned by your abuser, you always have the power to leave your relationship. You just have to say “Enough, I will no longer be a victim” and make up your mind that you want to be free from abuse. You can be happy if you get the support to put your plan in place and the commitment to follow through with it. Only you can decide if you want to have a better life. Do not give others this power over you.

Please note that you can find more detailed information about abuse and how to leave for a better life in my Amazon bestseller book, “Time to Go“. Thank you for reading and please feel free to comment your thoughts and experiences as we continue to empower women to their own independence and happiness.

6 Things You Can Learn As a Domestic Abuse Survivor – Part One

October 20, 2017BlogNorva S Abiona

Many people are living in abusive relationships and getting out of them may require help from others. This is part one of a two-part series, which points to some lessons that you can learn from being a survivor of abuse. This may help you with making the decision to wanting a better life for yourself.

Staying For Your Children Is Not Worth The Abuse

Other than the effects on you, which are reasons enough to leave, your children may feel that abuse is normal behaviour. Children in abusive environments may become abusers or victims of abuse. Your children are people as well with their own thoughts and emotions. They may try to defend you and end up getting hurt. If you really want to help your children, then you cannot continue in this type of marriage. Find a safe way for you and your children to leave and move on with your lives.

Verbal Disrespect, Devaluing And Manipulation Is Abuse

While physical abuse is more publicized and can be easily recognized, emotional abuse is the most common type of abuse. You should not be disrespected, manipulated or looked down on by the person who should love you the most. Love, Honour and Respect are what you are due. If you are not getting that, then you may need to find a way out of the relationship.

Sexual Intercourse In A Marriage Without Your Consent Is Rape

Despite the antiquated view of a wife being subordinate to her husband, you have the right to decide if you will have intercourse with your spouse. You have the right to say “No”, even if you had originally said yes. Any man, who forces himself on a woman, even if that woman is his wife, is a rapist and can be convicted of such. Whatever the circumstances may be, even if you were asleep or inebriated, rape is rape. It is an act of violence and abuse. Do not make excuses for a rapist.

Don’t Just Tell Family Or Religious/Community Leader About Your Abuse

If you do this, the person may, without your consent, speak to your abuser. This may lead to you being abused further and to a greater extent. You also do not know if this person may harm or be harmed by your husband in a confrontation. This is not advice for you to accept your treatment or to continue in silence. Rather it is suggested that you talk with someone who has experience with domestic abuse. This can be a relationship counselor or someone qualified at a shelter.

Being Hit Or Disrespected More Than Once Is A Pattern Of Abuse

If your husband disrespects or hits you once, this may not mean that he is an abuser. You may choose to forgive him if he truly understands and regrets the harm he caused. Whether or not you speak out about the abuse the first time it happens, if it takes place a second time, your husband is a repeat domestic abuser. Repeat offenders of crimes are not easily changed. So your husband may not stop without getting help for his problems. It is important to “nip something in the bud” as the expression goes. So you may need to take steps to prevent being abused a third time.

Admitting You Are A Victim Is Your First Step To Freedom

Do not make excuses for your abuser’s actions. Do not choose to ignore the negative effects this has on you. You may be empowering them to abuse you further. Regardless of what your abuser might say to you, you do not deserve to be abused. You are not the cause of the abuse. Your thoughts and feelings are not worth less than your spouse’s. Do not unconsciously say so by ignoring or excusing his abuse. Some abusers will insist that you or something you do is the reason for their actions. Do not take on their sins. They may not change and you will only have scars, mentally or physically.

Domestic abuse is not a pleasant topic. It is something that needs to be removed from our society. If you are being abused, please do something about it. For more information, you can get a copy of my Amazon bestseller book, “Time to Go“. Do you prefer to learn via a course? If yes check out “Time To Go The Course” on Udemy.

7 Things You Should Stop Doing Today

October 16, 2017BlogNorva S Abiona

In the journey of life, you will encounter challenges with the people you interact with, whether it is in your family, professional life or your leisure time. Depending on your experiences, character and upbringing, you may have developed certain habits or behavior traits, for example being shy or withdrawn, that may not serve you well. While change is a process and does not necessarily happen overnight, please try to commit to making at least one change on the list below if it applies to you.

1. Stop — Being a People Pleaser

While making others happy is a noble thing to aspire to, being a people pleaser is a sign that you may have issues with your own self-worth. This trait may have developed due to a need to be accepted, quite possibly by people who were not worth your time in the first place. It is also possible that you may have been abused and you decided that the best way to stop or limit the abuse was to do whatever it was that your abuser wished. You should aspire to your own happiness first. If someone asks you to do something that you think is out of line or unreasonable, then you should say “No” or ” no way” … whichever best fits the scenario. The exemption is, of course, tasks you must complete at your job. Please be careful when and with whom you use a term like “Hells no” … unless you are about to resign for a better job.

2. Stop — Being Afraid of Change

This world is ever-changing and you have to change with it. Organisms that are not able to adapt to change may be doomed to extinction. This applies to humans on a singular level as well. It is normal to be reluctant and hesitant to changes in your life. But to truly enjoy life and live to your fullest, you have to bend or you will break. If you think that you are in an abusive relationship, please do not be afraid to make changes to better your situation.

3. Stop — Answering “Yes”

Again, this does not apply to your tasks at work where you should be saying “Yes. I can get that done”. It applies to people who are trying to use you or make a habit of putting you down. Only say “Yes” to things that you like doing or things that will help you to grow and develop as a person.

4. Stop — Not Accepting Compliments

Being modest has its charm and its place, but there are certain compliments that you should embrace and own. You know how much work you put into a project or how difficult a task was. So take the compliments when they are given. You deserve it and more. So stop denying your worth and enjoy it, without acting cocky about it.

5. Stop — Letting Others Take All the Praise

Standing back and allowing others to get the acclaim for your hard work may be a sign of self-worth issues and may cost you that promotion. It is right to share the spotlight with others who have contributed to the success of a venture, but you should always ensure that you get the credit for the hard work you have done. Stand up for yourself and be counted so you won’t have any regrets.

6. Stop — Begging For the Old-Time Days to Return

The past cannot be altered and is unlikely to ever return so you must move on with your life, looking for the opportunities that exist now. You can always reminisce about the past and fond memories. However, you should always be looking to create more and even better ones. This is especially important in a marriage where your husband has changed for the worst and has become abusive. Wishing for him to be who he used to be or to behave as he did in the past will not help you in your current position. Forget the past and move on with your life with a firm resolution on making a better future for yourself.

7. Stop — Giving Up Easily

It is said that “Nothing worth having comes easy”. This should be your mantra when you have a difficult task to do or decision to make such as deciding to leave an abusive marriage. Make a commitment to improve your life and do not give up, whatever comes your way. Put setbacks and negative people aside and reach for your goals. You will only fail if you give up too easily so don’t ever do that.

You may have your highs and lows in life. If you are willing to stopping doing at least one of the things discussed, then you may live a happier more fulfilling life with the ones deserving of your love. Sometimes doing these things may lead you to find yourself in an abusive marriage because these types of traits may attract persons who feel that they can take advantage of you. For more information, you can get a copy of my Amazon bestseller book, “Time to Go“, which is full of more detailed tips on how to leave an abusive marriage.

How to Spot the Difference Between A ReLationship vs A ReHationship

October 9, 2017Abusive Relationship, Blog, RelationshipNorva S Abiona

Having a good reLationship with your spouse is essential for a happy marriage. However, it is possible for your relationship to become a reHationship, which is a play on L meaning Love being replaced with an H meaning Hurt. This rarely happens overnight and sometimes there are signs from very early that are ignored. If you are feeling a bit off about your husband, then you may be in a reHationship. Here are some ways to distinguish between the two.

Your Comfort Level

In a relationship, you should feel comfortable to discuss anything with your husband because you know that he will be supportive of your concerns and feelings. This gives you a feeling of safety, which is important in building and maintaining a strong connection. If you are hesitant to confide in your spouse because you fear being dismissed or ridiculed, then you should know that this is not healthy and you may be in a reHationship.

How Much Weight Does Your Opinion Carry?

When it comes to making a decision, is your input valued or does your husband insist that things are done as he wants it, disregarding you entirely? Being able to have a meaningful conversation with your husband, where both of you express your point of view and these are considered before you both decide on a course of action, is integral in a healthy relationship. If your partner isn’t willing to consider your opinions or desires then you may have a reHationship that you may need to get out of.

Do You Feel Validated?

Does your husband celebrate your achievements with you and encourages you to pursue worthwhile goals and dreams? Your husband should be your biggest fan, your closest friend and should be your “go-to guy” when you need a shoulder to lean on. If your husband makes light of your success or suggests that he could have done better, then he is not lifting you up or spurring you on to greater heights. There can always be a little playful joking here and there, but you should always feel validated and loved at the end of it. Your spouse should not be the cause of you losing the confidence in yourself to succeed and excel. Constructive criticism should always be welcome in your relationship, but its opposite will only erode your self-worth. If you feel worse about yourself than you did before you got married, then this is a sign that you may be in a reHationship.

Dependability

Are you able to rely on your husband to be there when you need him or to do an important task such as helping out with the children? If your husband isn’t dependable or is always finding an excuse not to help you out with a problem, then you may suffer unnecessary stress and run the risk of burning yourself out trying to accomplish too much. If you are in a good relationship, you shouldn’t have the feeling of the world is on your shoulders because your spouse should be sharing the responsibilities with you. It cannot be that it is always better you do something yourself because you can’t rely on him to follow through and get something done. This type of neglect is not to be dismissed and is a serious sign that you are in a reHationship.

Can You Trust Your Husband?

Does your husband spend a lot of time outside of work away from you without offering a reasonable explanation? Have you caught him lying to you about where he was or who he was with? Does he prefer to go out with his buddies from work most days instead of going home? While every man needs some space and time off with their friends, you should be the one that he seeks to spend the most time with. If this is not the case and you find your husband missing more often than not then you are in a reHationship and trying to convince yourself otherwise is not healthy.

Physical Abuse

This should be an obvious sign, but so many women ignore it that it has to make the list. Your spouse should be someone you are not physically afraid of. He has no reason to use force on you if you displease him in any way. Poking, pushing you around or hitting you is not acceptable. Love doesn’t leave you with scars or in the hospital. Fighting should be done with words and you should feel free to express yourself without any fear of physical violence. Of course, every couple will have a difference in opinion here and there and this is healthy in resolving heated issues. But it should never come to actual blows being delivered. You are not a punching bag and if he needs one then he should join a gym and get his hits in there. Love yourself enough to get out of this type of reHationship.

A reLationship should bring you love and happiness as opposed the tears and fears brought on by being in a reHationship. Please use the signs shared to analyze your marriage to ensure that you are indeed in a relationship. If you find out otherwise, seek the necessary help that you may need if you decide it’s time to go. To assist you with this you can check Am I Experiencing Domestic Abuse to learn about both the subtle and not so subtle sign and types of abuse. Also, feel free to set up an appointment to get clarity and strategise your next best steps. Thank you for reading. Please feel free to comment your thoughts and experiences below.

5 Signs and Effects of Spiritual Abuse in a Marriage

September 29, 2017BlogNorva S Abiona

Spiritual abuse is widely considered to be committed by religious leaders and while this may be true to the degree by which the control and subversion are seen by the sheer numbers of people abused, spiritual abuse can also be found in relationships. People who use religion to subvert and control other people may actually believe that they are doing the right thing because some of these people may not be able to see anyone else’s point of view but their own. Some of them may only be able to view others and the world at large by their own experiences and their own interpretation of the sacred text.

Marriage is a sacred union and many successful marriages have a strong religious foundation, as the saying goes “the family that prays together, stays together”. However, in seeking this religious mate, you may have found someone who is using their view of religion to abuse you. There are some religions that believe that a man has authority over their wife and their wife is to submit to her husband in everything. This type of indoctrination may put a woman at risk to an abusive husband who may use this to isolate, restrict and control his wife based on nothing but his own jealousy for example. More and more women in high positions are doing very well and in some cases out performing their male counterparts. There is no reason to believe that men have more knowledge or are more capable of making the right decisions than women and any faith that spreading that may be, knowingly or unknowingly, paving a path for abuse in a marriage.

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Spiritual abuse, like other forms of abuse, may occur based on the personality of the person and is not restricted to any religion. That is to say that even a religion that encourages the progressive movement of women may have husbands who will abuse their wives. People are people and you will find many different personalities in every organization so you must always remain vigilant to protect yourself while keeping an open mind and a friendly heart. People who only quote fear based scriptures or other religious text and offer no empathy may sincerely believe that they are doing the right thing without realizing the negative effect and harm they may be causing.

5 Warning signs of Spiritual Abuse

1. Is your spouse preaching at you and not fellowshipping with you?

This may erode your self-confidence and does not help you to grow.

2. Are you forced to attend religious gatherings or are your opinions not considered in matters religiously related?

This may be used to dominate your ideas and beliefs, turning you into a mindless slave.

3. Does your husband’s use of religion make you fearful, ashamed or guilty?

This may be used to control you and question your thoughts with the objective of changing you to their will.

4. Does your husband use religion to demand unquestioning loyalty or suggest that he is carrying out God’s will which cannot be defied?

Nothing is ever gained by unquestioning loyalty and anyone who is demanding such may be an egomaniac who you may not be able to trust. This may be very harmful in a marriage and may have the effect of subjugating your free will and actions.

5. Does your husband use religion to justify monitoring and invading your privacy?

This is a sign of someone who may be emotionally unstable. This person may use violence, and their belief that they are religiously entitled to do so makes this a dangerous situation.

It is important to build your confidence to make your own decisions, especially where it affects the quality of your life. Living in a spiritual abusive marriage is not healthy for you as fear and depression may be side effects. Your husband should be the person uplifting you and helping to overcome your fears, not the person adding to them. Fear-based religion does not show the beauty, compassion, and glory of God. It may be used to weaken and break people to be submissive and unquestioning. If you are in this kind of abuse, then you must seek the true strength of God and pull yourself out of it. People will abuse you emotionally, but God has no desire or purpose for you being in this type of relationship. So take heart in this and take action to make your life better.